


From the Depths of Microsoft Works Word Processor

by Vanilla_Owns_Chocolate



Category: Angry Birds - All Media Types, Original Work
Genre: MST3k-Style Riffing, Sporking - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:47:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21635332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vanilla_Owns_Chocolate/pseuds/Vanilla_Owns_Chocolate
Summary: A collection of stories I wrote when I was in elementary school on Microsoft Works, reformatted for AO3 with commentary.Warning: these stories are not good. I was 9 and I was a little shithead. What did you expect?
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. The "Ava's Blog" Series

**Author's Note:**

> hey so my family is moving so i decided to download all my old stories onto a flashdrive and post the Best (read: most cringe) ones on here so.....enjoy seeing what i was like as a kid ig
> 
> for every story i upload heres how its gonna work:
> 
> \- my commentary will be bolded and in parenthesis
> 
> \- last names will be censored, all first names that arent mine will be altered

AVA'S BLOG, PART 1 **(i wasnt allowed to have any social media accounts at the time so i made my own "blogs" on microsoft works and pretended that I was internet famous. i was a lonely kid ok)** :

Hello, fans! **(that I didnt have)** There is a new yellow Puffle at my house! **(i played a lot of club penguin when i was a kid and i was obsessed with those little puffle things that you got as pets. my dad got me a plushie of one the day i made this which i thought was so important i had to write it down for my nonexistent fans immediately)** His name is SpongeBob! I named him after a famous yellow sea sponge on one of my favorite TV shows called SpongeBob SquarePants. **(GOD shut up past me literally everyone knows who spongebob is you dont have to explain it)**

I made him a Puffle-house in my kitchen! Here's a picture that I drew of SpongeBob! Tell me what you think. **(note: there was no picture in the original. i didnt know how to draw/upload pictures to microsoft works so i just......hoped that someday my parents would let me get my own blog so i could post the pics there. they didnt)**

I know. He's cute. **(im sure he would be cuter if we could see him dumbass)** Leave a comment and I'll put a penny under your pillow! **(what youre just gonna break into their houses you fuckin creeper????)**

THIS HAS BEEN AVA'S BLOG BY AVA [REDACTED]. **(censored my own last name there. also thanks for reminding us who made this as if it wasnt already incredibly fucking obvious dipshit)**

AVA'S BLOG, PART 2:

Hello, it's me, Ava [REDACTED]. **(wow thanks again for the reminder asshole)** I just wanted to say that since I got some of my favorite Sonic theme songs stuck in my head, I'm gonna share them. **(oh god my sonic phase started this early???? oh fuck oh no)** Here's the first one that's in my head:

****

****(*insert the lyrics to the sonic satam theme song here bc im too lazy to properly format them*)** **

Why I like it: it makes me jump up and down. **(this is funny bc i didnt know i was autistic yet so reading this now is like "hm. I Wonder Why That Is")**

Here's the second Sonic theme song I like:

**(UGGGHH THESE ARE THE LYRICS TO THE SONIC UNDERGROUND THEME......god past me had shitty taste in sonic cartoons apparently)**

Why I like it: it's catchy.

Okay. That's all. Bye. **(good to know that even when i was 9 years old i didnt know how to end things. some things never change)**

AVA'S BLOG, PART 3:

Hey, guys! As you all know, Christmas is coming up soon, **(whoa holy shit it actually is coming up at the time that im editing this. past me must have had some serious future vision huh)** so I made my own Christmas carol! Enjoy!

**(ok so what was supposed to follow was basically a shitty version of the 12 days of christmas but with all my interests shoved in instead. to make this thing less agonizing to edit im just gonna post the last verse)**

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my best friends gave to me **(oh shut up past me you only had like 1 friend)**

Twelve chapter books,

Eleven cute pet chipmunks, **(i was......really into alvin and the chipmunks at the time so i wanted three pet chipmunks and i was gonna name em alvin simon and theodore. again, past me had shitty taste)**

Ten sweet-sounding pianos, **(i wanted to play the piano as a kid bc i thought i was a musical genius since i could play mary had a little lamb which is like, the easiest song ever but nobody told me that. anyway i never took piano lessons)**

Nine disco balls, **(for some reason i was really into disco aesthetics. at 9 years old. in 2010. what was wrong with me)**

Eight cartons of milk, **(KJALSKJFLDKJFLKDJSLK YEAH IM A MILK DRINKER WHAT OF IT)**

Seven new CDS,

Six shiny scooters, **(GOD this takes me back to when i would ride around the back porch on my Razor™ scooter and pretend i was a badass motorcyclist but in actuality i was a shitty little baby lesbian who didn't know how to tie her own shoes)**

FIVE GOLDEN THINGS!!!! **("hm what rhymes with rings. Things. nailed it")**

Four iPods, **(KALJSDKLJLSKJLKSJ GOD SHOUT OUT TO MY IPOD TOUCH 4 THAT I USED TO WATCH SONIC AMVS ON WHEN I WAS THIS AGE I GUESS)**

Three loaves of French bread, **(i really liked france at the time. little did i know this would lead to me taking french class in middle school and absolutely hating it)**

Two sea turtles,

And a barn owl in a

Barn owl in a

Barn owl in a

TREEEEEEEEE!!!!! Yeah! **(god i have no other commentary for this part except that it physically hurt to read this in particular. like i took 20 points of psychic damage just by reading those last lines)**

Whew! That was the longest blog I've ever typed! **(yeah and it was the hardest for me to edit you little shit. go make some friends or smth smh)** Well, merry Christmas, everyone! **(yeah yeah and a happy new year ya filthy animal)**

AVA'S BLOG, PART 4:

ATTENTION!! What you are about to read may excite you so badly that your chair might break. **(what is hatsune miku finally real???)**

You know the Zhu Zhu Pets, right? **(oh lord THOSE things. they were little toy hamsters that you could turn on and they would roll around everywhere on little wheels. me and my sister were OBSESSED with those)** Well, they made a new Zhu thing called Zhu Zhu Princess, and guess what? Princess Snowcup and Prince Dashington are getting MARRIED!! Yes, you read that, MARRIED! **(wow i cant believe straight marriage was finally legalized in the zhu zhu pets universe)**

If you don't like these adorable hamsters (and puppies, too), then go sit under a dumpster and rethink your life. **(see you can tell i wrote this when i was in elementary school bc if i was in middle school i would have said "kys." also i wouldnt be into zhu zhu pets)**

Wow, that was short. Well, bye! **(yeah i remember the vivid excitement i felt upon discovering this news on the Official Zhu Zhu Pets Website and i honestly just wanted to get my feelings down bc nobody else cared)**

AVA'S BLOG, PART 5:

Hi, people of the world. **(and by "people of the world" i meant "myself and myself only")** I have no idea what to do. My DARN COMPUTER won't work because it is SO DUMB AND I WILL CRUSH IT WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER IF IT DOESN'T WORK ANY SOONER. **(awww the baby is angry!!! see when i was a kid i thought computers had feelings so whenever i got mad at mine i would just relentlessly insult it to guilt it into working. it never worked)**

I can still type, but my ANNOYING COMPUTER won't let me go on my favorite websites. **(such as: icarly.com and lemmy's land)** Hey, where can I get a sledgehammer? **(can you tell i really liked that word)**

I'm so bored. I want to DO something, but my DUMB, LAME, ANNOYING, STUPID COMPUTER THAT WON'T WORK isn't letting me. **(WHOA watch your language there buddy! what if your parents saw you swearing like this??)**

Man, I wish this blog was actually on the internet, because I also need help with something else. **(what is it your debilitating lack of friends or your insufferable superiority complex)** My dad bought me a very old Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunners comic (yes, the roadrunnerS), and it's missing a page. The comic is called The Bumpy Way, and in it, the coyote bumps his head and loses his memory, and the roadrunners trick him into making him think he's their friend and make him do work for them. **(HOLY SHIT I JUST GOOGLED THIS COMIC AND APPARENTLY ITS FROM 1966??? DAMN THE SHIT YOU CAN FIND AT A SHITTY LOCAL COMIC CON AM I RIGHT)** I must remind you that the Roadrunner has three sons in this comic. **(this implies that the roadrunner fucks and i dont like it)**

Anyway, the Roadrunner goes out on an errand and leaves his sons with the coyote, who gets his memory back. He kidnaps the Roadrunner's sons and prepares to eat them, but the next page is at a completely different setting! I need help. **(normally i would say "just google it you little shit" but upon doing so myself i cannot find a good scan of this comic. if anyone has any information about this let me know actually bc ive been wondering about this for YEARS)**

AVA'S BLOG, PART 6:

Good news, people of the world! I just got the most awesome *piano chords* cool *piano chords* amazing *piano chords* Super Mario game ever! **(yknow the whole piano chords thing doesnt really work if this is text format dumbass)** It's called Super Mario Sunshine, and I've wanted it for a year. Two years, actually. And I finally have it! **(*vivid flashbacks to watching chuggaaconroys mario sunshine lp and begging my parents to let me have a gamecube every single day*)**

It's a game for the GameCube, but I don't have one. However, you can play Game Cube games on the Wii, and I have one! So, I got a Game Cube controller and bought Super Mario Sunshine and played it until I got bored! Actually, I didn't get bored. I just took a break because it was harder than I expected. **(but was it REALLY hard or was i just bad at video games. i have a STRONG suspicion it was the latter)**

Oh, also, today is Garfield's birthday! **(JASKLHDJAKSLHDJKLSAHDLKJS I FORGOT I WAS OBSESSED WITH GARFIELD WHEN I WAS A KID AKSJDLSAKJDKS OH GOD OH FUCK)** He's 33 years old! That's pretty old for a cat! **(wait wait wait if garfield was 33 years old when i wrote this and hes 41 now then that means i wrote this 8 years ago.....so i was 10. whoa character development)** In today's comic, Jon told him to make a wish, and when he blew out the candles, the cake was HUGE! **(is. is that supposed to be funny?? the joke is.....the cake was big. is it bc hes old so he gets a big cake??? or is it bc he eats a lot??? man garfield sucked ass, i had shitty taste)**

Well, bye! **(that has got to be the shittiest outro yet which is worse bc i was a year older when i made this. this is reverse character development actually)**

AVA'S BLOG, PART 7 **(dw yall this is the last one i swear)** :

If I could live anywhere, it would be a place far away from Kathy. **(ASDJLSDSDJK ok so "kathy" is supposed to be my sister, thats not actually her real name obvs, i changed it for the purposes of this thing, but GOD gotta love that shitty sibling rivalry)** I would live on a tropical island like the one in my Super Mario Sunshine video game. It would be the exact same one, in fact! The people who live there would be same people in my game, and all the graffiti would be gone and the Shine Sprites would all be there to provide the place with light and heat. **(i like how i clarified that the npcs would all be there too. like can you imagine walking up to your neighbor one day and he just shouts "IM A CHUCKSTER" and yeets you into the ocean)** Every day would be hot, even in the winter!

There would be hills to go for a nice walk in with a windmill, a lovely beach, a hotel with an indoor pool and secret passageways, a peaceful bay, a wonderful local village, an amusement park, a plaza with fruit stands that sell all the grapes you can imagine, **(grapes arent a fruit in super mario sunshine fake gamer ass)** a harbor with a beautiful view, and an airstrip that actually has GOOD service! **(throughout this whole thing i could just IMAGINE little 10 year old me on the mario wiki looking at a list of all the levels in super mario sunshine while writing this down)**

And the three best parts are, Kathy won't be there and won't disturb me, it will never rain and everything will still stay nice and beautiful and fresh, and I'll have my very own water pump just like the F.L.U.D.D.! **(thats the Flash Liquidizer Ultra Dousing Device for all you curious gamers out there who arent True mario sunshine fans)** I could carry it on my back and it would be perfectly light! It would never run out of water, and when I use it to hover in the air, I won't stop flying unless I tell it to stop! **(e gadd be like "lol ill give MARIO the shitty version of the fludd that runs out of water and ill give this annoying 10 year old the op one")** When I squirt myself with it whenever I get hot, it still won't stop unless I tell it to!

It'll be just perfect, and I'll love it! Sigh. **(nothin like writing out the word "sigh" to convey your emotions huh gamers)** If only I could actually live there...oh, well.

**(so uh. thats all for my fake blogs that i wrote. theres WAY more stuff that i wrote on my old computer that ill upload later, including actual stories and not the insane ramblings of an edgy elementary schooler. .......well ok theres actually some more of that too but ill try to post a story next time)**


	2. Boomerang's Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> an angry birds fanfic i wrote when i was like.......10??? i think???? featuring: names i stole from fanart that i thought was canon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo uh quick tw ig?? i uh. use the d slur here at one point (not in the story obvs i didnt know what being gay was) so if youre sensitive to that then feel free to not read this chapter. im a lesbian so i can obvs reclaim that word but i understand if it makes you uncomfy

**(ayyyy gamers were back at it this time with some fanfiction i wrote as a kid. heres some context for ya: like most kids in 2010 i was obsessed with angry birds and i had just recently discovered fanficion for myself, more specifically the concept of shipping. i didnt know what being gay was tho so all my ships were hetero and boring but i didnt care. so basically i just wrote dumb fanfics for all my interests at the time, including angry birds. anyway if my one mutual who genuinely likes angry birds is reading this im so fuckinggin sorry)**

BOOMERANG'S THOUGHTS **(ok so lets get this out of the way first: when i was a kid i didnt know the difference between fanart and canon unless it was explicitly stated to be fanart. so basically i saw a piece of angry birds fanart that had fanmade names for the birds and i thought it was official. so i call the green bird boomerang, the big red bird big brother bird, and the yellow bird the yellow rocket. idk who the original fanartist is but idc and i doubt they wanna be associated with this)**

The Boomerang Bird had been kidnapped. AGAIN. **(ha! classic boomerang bird! i remember that Very Real And Totally Canon character trait from the games!)**

The King Pig and his army had swarmed his birdhouse and captured him. Now, he was tied to a pole and an apple was on top of it. **(kinky)** One of The King Pig's soldiers **(why the fuck did i capitalize "the")** had a cannon in front of him and was trying to aim it at the apple, but The Boomerang Bird could tell he was clearly trying to aim it at him. **(yknow as a kid i had this weird obsession with booby traps and peril and damsels in distress and shit. i wonder if that was like some repressed freudian sexuality thing)** The King Pig and some more of his soldiers were watching eagerly, waiting to see what would happen.

"You know, you could find some other way to amuse the king." said Boomerang, not in the least bit worried. **(bitch youre about to DIE)**

"I know, but he loves seeing torture in prisoners." **(im......pretty sure thats not grammatically correct)** said the pig with the cannon.

Boomerang rolled his eyes, waiting for someone to come to his rescue. Sure enough, he heard something coming from the distance. **(it was more pigs. they all came to watch him die. the end)**

A small blue jay landed in front of the pig with the cannon. Then, there came some more birds. **(convenient!)** Boomerang smiled. This always happened. **(hes always getting himself thrown into danger and expecting his friends to rescue his dumb ass ig)**

Finally, when it almost seemed as if it were practically raining birds, a large eagle flew towards the pig, causing them all to flee in terror. When they were gone, all of the birds faced the toucan, looking angry. **("how dare you get yourself captured completely out of your own control Ass Hole. were your friends")**

"Aw, come on, guys. I could've been killed by a cannon! Aren't you glad you saved one of your dear friends from being murdered?" he asked, smirking. **(why the fuck are you smirking you could have DIED Ass Hole)**

"Boomer, you have GOT to stop getting kidnapped." **(ASJDKLDJFKLDSJKSDLF THAT NICKNAME DID NOT AGE WELL ASKLJDLSKJFAD IM JUST GONNA IMAGINE THAT HES AN ACTUAL BOOMER THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THE STORY NOW)** said his friend, a canary named The Yellow Rocket. **(who the fuck names their kid the yellow rocket. who the fuck names their kid the boomerang bird)**

"I can't help it! I love danger!" said Boomerang. **(again preeeeetty sure i was repressing something here)**

All the birds sighed. Then, a hawk named Big Brother Bird untied him and said, "Big Brother Bird mad at Boomerang." **("grrrr me Big and Tough and Strong and this how all Big Tough Strong people talk")**

Boomerang sighed and said, "Well, the important thing is that I'm safe. Let's go home." **("yall ik i was just kidnapped and about to be killed but thats not important rn lets go home" ok boomer)**

As the birds were hopping back, Boomerang bumped into something. He looked up and found out he had bumped into all the birds' leader and the one who the pigs were scared of, The Mighty Eagle. **(boomer.....TWO!!!!)** Boomerang wasn't scared of a lot of things, **(evidently)** but like most of the birds he was friends with, he did fear the Mighty Eagle.

"Oh, Mighty Eagle, I'm so sorry! Spare my life!" Boomerang cried nervously.

The Mighty Eagle simply smiled and said, "Relax, Boomer. **(AKFLKDAJFKSDKJSDFJDK ME WHEN MY GRANDPA GOES ON ONE OF HIS RANTS ABOUT POLITICAL CORRECTNESS)** I may be the strongest bird here, but that doesn't mean I get mad THAT easily." **(love how he acknowledges that hes the strongest one there. like "yeah i could literally sit on you and youd die instantly")**

Then, he saw Big Brother Bird beating up some of the other birds and screamed, "BIG BROTHER BIRD!! KNOCK IT OFF, OR I'LL KNOCK YOU OFF!!!" **(whoa sick epic burn bro. ill be sure to use that the next time i want someone to stop doing something. only instead of being intimidating itll get me beaten up instantly bc im a scrawny dyke)**

Big Brother Bird immediately stopped and hopped away. The Mighty Eagle resumed his conversation with Boomerang. "You know, I actually appreciate your love of danger."

"Really?" asked Boomerang, looking relieved. **("finally someone who understands my kink")**

"But I do think that you shouldn't go overboard when trying to have fun. **(he was literally kidnapped in HIS OWN DAMN HOUSE asshole how tf was he supposed to avoid that)** Why do you like danger, anyway?" asked The Mighty Eagle. **(Oh You Know)**

"Well..." said Boomerang, glancing over at a pretty female cardinal that all the other birds were staring at. **(oh so you want HER to tie you up not the pigs. ok boomer)**

The Mighty Eagle sensed what Boomerang was feeling. **(and what he was feeling was EXTREME arousal)** "I get it. You like her, don't you?" he asked. **(ofc he does. dont you know a dude cant look at a girl without being legally obligated to fall in love with her???)**

"Maybe." said Boomerang. **(wait so how does getting captured all the time relate to this girl that you like??? thats not how you pick up girls. unless this really is a kink thing and shes also super into rescuing you)**

The Mighty Eagle smiled. "Go for it, Boom." he said. **(awww man he was SO close to saying boomer!!!! you failed, 10 year old me!!!)**

Boomerang looked at the cardinal bravely and hopped over. And after that night, Boomerang was happy. **(happy bc he finally got someone to indulge in his elaborate capture/rescue fantasy)**

**(so uhhh yeah that was a p short story bc like present me, 10 year old me did not know how to end things. sorry for talking so much about sex and boomers this chapter. hopefully next one will give me more Content to work with so i dont have to repeat the same jokes over and over like fuckin uhhh *scrolls thru list of Topical Content* fortnite haters amirite lads??? haha Minecraft Good Fortnite Bad (ive never actually played fortnite so im. not one to talk))**


End file.
